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Ok, so I haven’t written in a couple of weeks. I’ve been busy. I found out that no one on Model UN got a B except ME, and I have my reliable sources. It sucks. I have to go talk to Dr. S., but I’m afraid that I’ll cry because of complete frustration, and she’ll think that it’s because of sadness. I can deal with a B, any day. Give me a class that I just don’t care about, and I’ll get a B any day. Give me a class that I work my ass off for, and I’ll fight for that B. Dr. Schagheck and Dr. Luehrmann can kiss my ass any day, because I will not settle for a shitty grade after working so hard for so long for it. And I’m not afraid to say their names anymore, because the worst they can do to me anymore is give me that B and let me live with it. What would you do? It is so hard to go in to talk to that pompous ass of a woman for any period of time – I’m sure that I’ll get fed up and freak out. I’m so pissed. Crystal told me that I was the only person who got a B. It says in the syllabus that 25% of your grade is your performance in New York. Well by those standards, Crystal should have had a C. I KNOW that Crystal deserved an A. SHE DID. But so did I. And by their standards, they fucked up. Oh well – I guess I have to go talk to them. Do you understand how hard it is to go and fight for what’s right? Even on the most basic and petty level, fighting is hard. I don’t understand how Martin Luther King Jr. did it. Or even the bombers of the World Trade Center. It’s pretty amazing, when you can actually think about it. Many, or most, people can’t think about it. They’re brainwashed into one way of thinking, and that’s it. It’s really hard to think of alternatives, even if they’re more acceptable than the normal way of thought. Those bombers were brainwashed, any way you think of it. Some people think that the basic “right/wrong” mentality is born into all of us, but I think that we’re born savages. We are bred to think the way we do, and if you are born into a society in which everything around you is always evil, it is almost impossible to think otherwise. People want to say that the people in Iraq and Palestine are able to think about peace… but imagine yourself in a completely destitute situation. Your family is in danger every moment of every day, and there’s no way out of the country you’re stuck in. Then try and judge these suicide bombers. Some days I want to commit suicide (in a very primal sort of way) just because of the normal situations we’re faced with – increased debt, small bank account numbers, little obstacles in graduation, decreased sex drive – these things are what we have to deal with. They have to deal with their families being killed off, their houses being bulldozed… the normal things of their lives are completely unthinkable to us. And I’m complaining about getting a B. It’s only because the people I was surrounded by seemed so real, and in the end they turned out to be the same judgemental, irrational, and uncaring people that inhabit the rest of the world. Do you ever feel so alone that it’s just hard to open your eyes in the morning?
it sucks to be 22.
or 45.
or especially 83.
Uncle Frank, I feel for ya.
