sight isn’t always necessary

Connor wanted to have one of my old diaries today, and since I’ve evolved in to such an advanced form of journaling, I decided to let him have it. But it wouldn’t be right for me to let him draw little pictures of people over my ranting and raving from when I was 19, so I ripped those pages out first. But then I couldn’t throw the pages away, because some of the ranting sounded cool, so I’ll put ‘em here.

9/26/1998 (Jenny Makens, author)
Yo Lid -
Hey! Here’s a lil’ something, something to vent your thoughts & dreams (or what-ev) when everyone else is marching. Remember to keep your chin up & your hair attractive.

12/6/1999 (Me, author)
Today, I am so full of anger, frustration, excitement, I am absolutely tweaked out. Here’s the reason. I have decided today many things, none of which have any bearing on this here United States, or the world even. I have decided that I, a 19 year old child of the 80’s with no money and no future and no life – I am invisible. And so are you. Bill Gates, Muhammad Ali, Dr. Zhivago, Betty Boop – you are all invisible too. And yet, because we are so ignorant, we think that we actually matter. I don’t, but they do. You do. Not to make you feel insignificant and down, that is. It’s just a fact.

I was in a patient’s room today, chatting endlessly about her little “gas” problem, when I heard a doctor at the nurses station ask, “Where’s a tech? I need a cup.” I suddenly got furious, and I’m sure the interesting woman noticed that I was paying no attention to her when I suddenly, rudely, left the room. I know it is my job to be a shit-on in the wonderful hospital setting I work in, but I wanted to have my 30 seconds of fame. So I walked up to the doctor and said firmly, sharply, “Right this way.” I walked into the Pyxis supply room and boldly, ferociously, gently handed him the stack of cups. And that’s where I finally find my point. We may think big, exciting, even untamed thoughts that won’t forgive us for thinking them, but when it comes to applying them, we NEVER succeed. It’s not a depressing thought. It’s a liberating thought. It says, “Think, and be free.” Why must we put all of our thoughts to use? Why must we make everything that is so beautiful and invisible cloud up our vision? My theory – and you can take this coming from a 19-year old, or “just a technician”, or even a blonde (but it’s strawberry blonde) bimbo – my theory is to just let your mind go. And if it makes you happy to see unicorns in your bedroom, then see them.

So that’s all there is to it. More later. I’ve gotta go throw these pieces of paper away.