sight isn’t always necessary

Whenever I’m smiling or laughing at work and I have these damn headphones in, my ears must wiggle them out because I can’t hear my music. And then I’m not smiling anymore.

So, I’ve been super bored at work lately. I call it the “big gray box”, and it’s sucking all of the life out of me. But the other day, I’m listening to my LaunchCast, and this song comes on by this group “Apocalyptico”. You’ve gotta hear them – I’m usually not really big on classical music, or anything that sounds too instrumental, but these guys play metal songs (think Metallica) on their cellos. It’s friggin sweet. Here’s a link so you can hear their version of “Nothing Else Matters.” Whoa, good stuff.

Y’know why I run? Because it doesn’t involve competition, and I can do it and feel good and look good without having to see anyone around me doing it better than me. Pretty stupid, really. I mean, why should I care what everyone else is doing, as long as what I’m doing is what I want to be doing? Right? Well the key phrase there is “doing what I want to be doing”, and I most certainly am not. I don’t know what exactly it would be that would give me the fulfillment I seek, but it’s definitely not programming at a benefits administration company, even if I have some kind of status around here. What a waste of a perfectly good ambitious brain! I mean, I could cure cancer, save the world, give everyone a place to live, spend time with my child and in spending time with him he’d be so confident later on in life that he’ll become president and save the world from destroying itself… but writing code that literally does nothing good for anyone, that’s really just annoying me. I annoy myself.

I know whenever Craig blows in my face it makes me want to follow him…

My sister Christine is one of my best friends in the whole world (man that sounds childish!), and every time I find out something else sucky has happened to her, it really eats at me for a while. Why is it that things can’t happen to her to improve her life? What fucked up being in the universe decides who gets what, and why do some people seem to get so much more than others? I just hope things can improve in her life – she at one point was so full of laughter and happiness, and now it seems like it’s difficult for her to get through her day. And the scariest thing is that it’s so hard to notice with her – she’s so good at hiding her depression that it could go unchecked until it all comes crashing down… we’ll all just have to be vigilant in keeping in touch with her. Anyway, I guess I should be working.

Check this out – I found these in an old website I created back in 2000 or something – pretty cute.

I heard something strange today from one of my coworkers – she said that there’s “proof” that cell phones are actually driving away bee populations from areas where they used to be. Now, I don’t know if I necessarily believe this, especially since I’ve had a cell phone since 1998 and I’ve never heard of this bee crisis until this year. But, maybe there’s a tipping point and we’ve just now reached it – the bees can’t stand the electromagnetic radiation we’re creating anymore. She mentioned that the “proof” was that there are severely decreased populations along the two coasts of the United States, the areas that have the highest concentrations of cell phone usage. It just seems to me that maybe the bees don’t have enough places to hang out on the coasts, mostly because people have completely taken over and are building on the areas that the bees used to live. I don’t know, I just think the thought that our phones could be contributing to this bee crisis is pretty freaky. I was considering getting Ryley a cell phone for her birthday, and I suppose that since I got Ashley one I have to do something equally cool for Ryley, but after reading ‘Cell’ by Stephen King, I’m trying my hardest to think of something else.

Bees scared off by cell phones… what comes next?

And if the bees all die off, won’t we as well? Why is this not a huge crisis that they’re talking about like crazy on the news all the time? Is our media being pushed around by the government too?

Ick. I stubbed my toe and it hurts – maybe that’s where these deep thoughts are coming from. I’ve gotta go mush out to Ghost Hunters.

Peace.

Carole wanted me to look up some people from high school just cuz, and I found this. I couldn’t handle it – this is too friggin’ funny, and for very disturbing reasons.

I guess we all have these moments, but this moment right here, RIGHT NOW, is the worst moment of my life so far. All I can feel is hatred, for myself more than anything, but also for my son who has been successfully making me hate myself for the past hour. The guilt of hating him is seriously making me crazy.

Connor’s doing this new thing lately – I’m the only one who can read him stories at night, I’m the only one he wants to hold him, pick him up, etc., and I have to “nicey” him forEVER every fucking night. And I don’t do it, that’s the thing that’s REALLY crazy, but he asks for it FOREVER. Every FUCKING night.

I want to HIT HIM, I want to BEAT HIM, and that’s making me SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CRAAAAZZZZZYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!

Oh my god, why does anyone ever decide to be a mother? Who thought this would be a good idea? I’ve gained a little patience, but I feel like every step forward that I’ve gained so far has been COMPLETELY drained of me tonight. It’s hot, it’s late, I haven’t felt really good all night, and Connor KEEPS ON MAKING ME COME IN THERE! It would be one thing if he just cried, because I can totally handle just letting him fall asleep crying (I’ve done it plenty of times in my life, and it’s a pretty restful sleep once you get there). But HE GETS UP! He runs out of his room! He comes downstairs, he comes into my bedroom, it’s like the FIRST thing he does when he realizes that he has the power to make me crazy is he SITS UP, cries like crazy, and then within a minute he’s at his door.

Finding every fucking reason to come out of there. He went pee before we went into his room for bed, I brushed his teeth, we had two great stories and all went well… and he now, an hour later, is screaming again because he says he has to pee. And he wants me to nicey him. And he just “wants me”. He does this now, and I know that at 3 he’ll do the same thing. I can’t seem to scare him into stopping. I’ve tried being calm, I’ve tried reasoning with him, I’ve tried ignoring him. I’ve tried threatening him with punishment – slamming the door (he hates that), letting him cry, taking away his sucky things, turning off the light. I’ve tried doing those things to no avail. Tonight I spanked him, three spanks on his diaper-covered butt, and I cried for an hour afterward.

I feel like a horrible mother.

So, I feel unloved – nobody wished me a Happy Birthday on my dumb MySpace page. Why do I even try to keep up with that stupid thing? I never had any friends when I was in school, and I don’t have any now, so why expect any of those people to actually remember my birthday? Ugh.

On the other hand, I bought a really cool running skirt yesterday online, and I’m really excited to run in it. I’m really excited at the way my body’s changing with this running thing, and I’m even more excited now that I’ll have this cool skirt – here’s what it looks like:

Anyway, I think it’s cool. Of course, my skin is never that tan, but the tone is getting there. Not quite there yet… but getting there. I think I’ll always be a size 8, no more, no less. And that sounds good to me.

I like running. I miss running. On nights like tonight, where it’s perfect outside and I’m feeling antsy… I’m REALLY missing running today.

Anyway, I don’t have much more to say.