sight isn’t always necessary

I know I ran really slow in this goofy half marathon, but I’m proud of myself nonetheless. So today the running photos are online, and although I’m not really excited enough about them to buy one, I’m very willing to just copy one in poor format and show you how silly I looked. I’ve got more at home, not of me, but of the view when I was running over the bridge and even one of the view running by Xochimilco’s – that one is just because I’m retarded and thought it was cool to run in Mexican Village. However, running at 7:00 in the morning with the smell of tortillas and stewed beef filling the air is really not pleasant.

Craig insisted over and over that I don’t look stupid in my bright yellow sunglasses – but I know he’s wrong. I look like a total geek. Not many people can run 13.1 miles though, so at least I’m a cool elite geek.

I’m actually really amazed that I’m not bursting with fury today. It’s funny, cuz Ravneet and Alicia were expecting some kind of blog-burst, where I rant and rave over how much Andrea pisses me off beyond belief. Really, I just don’t care today. Sure, my music is a little louder than usual, and I’m not quite as willing to go visit Jason’s office for some “gum”. But other than that – it’s just any old day in the big gray box, wasting time, searching for some enlightenment to explain what I’m here for. Not what I’m “on Earth” for, but just what the fuck is my point HERE, in this big gray box. The fact that she’s over there and I can hear her making dumb little comments to Casey and Jason all the time is, of course, making me mow on my cheeks more than usual, but it’s manageable. Maybe I’m evil, but I think it’s the fact that lately, I’m kindof happy with things (or, at least the idea of things changing), and I know that she’s completely miserable in Pittsburgh – and I’m happy with her misery. I don’t even know why I despise her so much, but still, her misery brings me comfort.

It’s quite clear what the positions of some people in this office are. For instance, every office needs a peanut gallery (if you’re not aware of the history behind that phrase, it’s so funny how well it fits this person to a T), and that’s what MB is for. Then there’s the pathetic sickly workaholic that thinks he has found purpose in this job, therefore he stays forever and ever because it’s all that exists. No need to even use initials for that one – if you know this place, you know him. There’s the grouchy old boss always looking for someone to torment. There are plenty of ass kissers, clumped together in a little group with poop all over their noses from rubbing their faces in the asses of the ass-kissees. Obviously, there are less ass-kissees.

There are a couple of people with no clear distinction yet. Two that I can think of, maybe three, because the newest Nick doesn’t seem to have the clique thing going with his best bud yet, so I’ll lump him into this group. And maybe since I hardly work with them, I just can’t move them into a category yet, but CC and the other Nick are just here. They do… something. Not sure what.

Then there are people who clearly don’t belong. If we had cartoon bubbles over our heads, they’d constantly be filled with “S*&!@@#!#!”, or if it were an unrated cartoon it would be more like “What the fuck am I doing in this fucking shithole wasting away to a fucking little fuck!?!” And I don’t know what that means, but it clearly isn’t good – why else would I put TWO exclamation points AND a question mark?

On a different note, I have that thing on Tuesday, and if that thing goes well, maybe my cartoon bubble text will change for the better. And I am running that god damn half marathon on Sunday, if it’s the last thing I do. Which I REALLY doubt will actually hurt me, anyway, cuz I’m young, have done this kind of thing in the past, and I’m not afraid to walk a few miles if necessary. All the miles, even. Scott came up and gave me some crap about how “that’s a great idea for someone with a bad knee blah blah blah” – but I’m past the point of looking up to Scott for advice anymore. It’s a sure way to kill my spirit.

Sorry, I’m rambling – but at least it’s 3!

Connor’s pretty cute – he learned this by watching a Blue’s Clues episode! I only remember watching it once with him, but maybe he watched it a few times with Craig, too. Anyway, it’s really funny that when he got to the “All the king’s horses” part, even though he may not have said it in the right order, he got all of the words in there. And he says “Agether” instead of “Together”. But he’s got his heart in the right place!

I hate sports. I hate weight, I hate fitness, I hate everything that has anything to do with wellness and being healthy. I try these things – I try eating healthy foods, working out, running, taking vitamins. I try them all with the attitude that this new adventure will work for me and that my quality of life will improve with them. In fact, since April, I have made a point to seriously work on my running effort, and I’ve gotten pretty far in the battle. Something shitty happened though, and so fuck it. I’m going to smoke. I can’t fucking run this stupid fucking race in October, and I’m pissed off beyond belief about it. My ankle is right now the size of my knee, and there’s no stupid refund for this stupid fucking race at the end of the month, so I either run it, or lose the money. And the drive to run. And the patience for my own body. I read Running Fit all the time, and there’s these amazing stories of victory over insane circumstances… someday is my story going to be amazing, when I run my first marathon against all odds? Or am I doomed to failure?

Craig interrupted. Doofbrain.

Anyway, that’s what’s on my mind. So now I’m going to pee, then I’m going to smoke. Then I’ll shower, and hopefully I’ll get in a quick f**k. Or a not so quick one. It’s Sunday night, so what else could you have expected but an angry drunk post?

oh, imagine my utter joy at finding out the most famous member of our office has decided to grace us with her presence today! it has immediately turned me to my music, starting first with Ani DiFranco, and quickly spiraling down into NIN, loudly, to drown out the thoughts of wanting to either leave in a huff or punch someone hard in the face. why do i have these feelings? i have no idea anymore. i’m comfortable with them, i think. it’s easier to hate than it is to be okay with absolute idiots.

My cats are retarded. Apparently they decided to start doing their business in Connor’s jumpy thing. Maybe they are just trying to get attention, maybe they’re smoking some crazy laced reefer, maybe that’s just what cats do sometimes. But it pisses me off. So I’m taking them out to the woods today, like Travis had to do Old Yeller, and I’m going to shoot both of them. First I need a gun, but I think I can find one of those easily if I just travel to any bar in Ypsilanti.

I never listen to Ani DiFranco anymore. Well, didn’t, at least, until I got those tickets to go see her. Since then I’ve been dragging out all of my old albums, and immersing myself in her lyrics – only to discover that they actually make me feel things that I haven’t felt since I graduated! And I need those feelings back! Feeling like I’m worth more, like I need more, like I deserve more. So here’s some lyrics – hope you like ‘em – from one of her songs. They just rock, and not that they tell me what to do or how to fix this feeling, it’s at least cool to be able to sing about how I feel.

Back Back Back – To The Teeth – 1999
back back back in the back of your mind
are you learning an angry language
tell me boy boy boy are you tending to your joy
or are you just letting it vanquish
back back back in the dark of your mind
where the eyes of your demons are gleaming
are you mad mad mad about the life you never had
even when you are dreaming