sight isn’t always necessary

So, I had a dreaded “discussion” with my manager today. He wanted to know why I’m always late, why I’m always leaving early, etc. He wanted to know why I’m taking classes, and does that mean that I’m leaving soon, and why don’t I love my job? And I had a lot of answers, and the conversation actually lasted about 45 minutes, and in the end I don’t really feel like a whole lot was accomplished. I feel like he’s even more likely to be a dick to me now, and I’m increasingly feeling like I need to find another job just to wait out until November. Or whenever. I actually have a lot to write but I suppose after that stupid conversation I should get some work done. The point is this: I told Scott I’m not staying forever, and he was really offended by it and tried to make me feel like an idiot for it. And I’m not going to stand for that outlandish idiocy anymore – I have an incredibly thoughtful mind, and I’m not willing to sacrifice all the happiness that could exist within it just for a man with no plan in life but to stick by what he’s done forever, regardless of what it means in the long run. Because in the end, Scott will be lonely and rich and useless to the world. And even if I die alone and rich and *feeling* useless, I am making it a point to NOT BE FUCKING USELESS. Someone will benefit from the work I do, and not in the sense that they have to program a little less at work – someone will genuinely be touched and changed by me.

I’ve got a name for your softball team, you piece of poo.  The Royal Turdwads fits the personality of everyone on the team perfectly.  You can all go and pretend to be good friends, playing softball and giggling at the expense of others, with the big white letters “TURDWAD” scrawled in fancy cursive on the back of your jersey.  You could make the jerseys brown to fit the image a bit better!  And you could glare at any outsiders walking by, just for not being in the ever obnoxious clique that you have formed.

Ooh!  And then, you could compare and contrast your amazingness with each other.  You could talk about your cool toys, your cool cars, your cool parties, your cool trips, your cool athletic abilities.  You could flaunt them, and make peanut gallery remarks at everything anyone else says just because you didn’t think of it first.  When you hit the ball, you can yell out “Your Mom” because you think it’s funny, even though it’s asinine, childish, and incredibly annoying.  Every other sentence can be from a stupid TV show or comic book you read, and you can all laugh raucously at how witty you are, when really you’re all saying the same sentence over and over but you’re so self-absorbed you don’t realize you’re repeating each other.

When you’re done playing softball, you can talk about how great you all were.  Then you can go drink beer at an uppity bar together, discussing your greatness, as well as putting down all of the people around you simply because they are not you.

Turdwads.  I like it.  I might go see you play, if you can guarantee that one of you gets hit in the head with a bat.

It’s pretty dumb, the way I feel right now. I’m so annoyed by the fact that Ravneet got into all of these crazy places, and I don’t really want to hear anything else about it. The worst things is that when she was applying to all of these places, she was constantly talking about how she had about a million backup plans – she took the LSAT, she applied for Teach for America, she considered joining the Peace Corps – and it was frustrating then to see her acting like she wasn’t going to get in, but now that she is in, she’s rubbing my nose in it and I’m not sure why!?! I mean, I’m stuck here! I’m not stuck here, but I kinda am. And I want to be happy with it – I love my husband, I love my child, and do like our house and our life (besides the work part), and having a friend with her head pointed so high in the sky makes me feel like a huge loser. A huge loser.

So, this is my new blog.  I think it’s cooler.  I think it’s especially cooler cuz I can cut you all off from the inner workings of my brain, if necessary.  I can’t say much now, because I’m supposed to be working, but here it is, here it’ll be, and I’ll get back to it later.