A response! Not the one I wanted, but Scott finally acknowledged today that I sent him that huge long in-depth proposal for a flexible schedule. His response was filled with all things despicable about Aliquant; that they would see this as an attack on them rather than a viable solution to a real problem that one of their employees faces. And that they would push it to the side (though that was adamantly denied) and ignore the problem, until one day… what happens? The employee bites back? Threatens to quit? They don’t know, and they somehow don’t even consider the possibility that an outcome like that could occur. I don’t know, I guess I’ll just be patient. The conversation essentially went as follows: Scott lets me know that he’s not ignoring the email, he just needs to discuss it with Saraab and she’s busy with the conference. He’ll get back to me next Friday. I agree, that sounds fine, thanks for taking a look at it.
A few minutes later, I realize what this means. It means that they’re not going to discuss it, Friday of next week will come and go and nobody will give me the time of day, and I’ll continue into yet another week of my pregnancy, another week of time lost, waiting and wondering if my life is ever going to be any easier. So, I message Scott again – I’m just concerned that this is an issue that could be ignored for some time, and as I have little time left, my anxiety over it is growing. I will be patient until next Friday, but I’m essentially telling him that I’m not giving up until they give in. He assures me it won’t be swept under the rug, they’ll discuss it, my benefits should not be impacted but since it’s asking to go part-time, my maternity leave may be affected.
So. What does that mean? That if I start going part-time now, I won’t receive any maternity leave? I mean, I guess that’s okay, and Craig and I will by then be able to figure out ways of making ends meet a little better than we can now – we can’t sit down for any time now to make up a budget. We have no time. Or, at least, I don’t have any time, and I don’t have any motivated people in my life to do it for me (my husband, basically), so until I find some time, it won’t get done.
LIFE IS STRESSFUL.
And now, back to work.
BLECH. I’m not liking this new form. Today we went out for Japanese food, and the waitress immediately said “You’re having a girl!” Wow! She’s right! I was impressed, so I asked how she knew… and her answer was that I’m carrying wide. I guess that could be true, I’m not really sure, but it doesn’t feel pretty. Then we went to Dairy Queen afterward (Craig insisted – it wasn’t my idea!) and there was a tiny skinny black woman there with a cute little bubble belly and I was so jealous. That’s all I have to say about that.
Hey, is it allowed to say she was black? Do I have to say she was African American? What if her ancestors weren’t from Africa?
I gave Scott my proposal for working part-time today, and strangely he never even addressed it. He acted as if he never received it, so I’m almost tempted to send it again. I set a date within the proposal of beginning this adjusted schedule on August 15th, so he doesn’t really have a whole lot of time. If he doesn’t say anything tomorrow, I’ll definitely bring it up again so that we can schedule a discussion for Friday. I hope he mentions it tomorrow. I spent some serious time on that thing.
I’m feeling worn out today, and my brain’s not working quite right. At dinner I had a long discussion with Rachel about the office and the inner workings of it, and I don’t feel like I helped her at all; when we left I was sure that I had made things worse for her. I’m hoping that it’s just my insecurities getting in the way of rational thought, because I usually can be a good listener and a motivational speaker (hey, another new career choice!) – but the rhythm just wasn’t with me today. If she just up and quits, I will make sure to let it be known the reason why, because this kind of thing can’t keep happening. If she sticks it out, hopefully she will be able to create positive change at least for her own well-being. It’s really defeating to see all of these good people get worn down by that place. I’m always confused as to how I’ve lasted so long, but I think I’ve developed some kind of survival mechanism that keeps me alert and aware of the pain and suffering, but able to persevere.
Maybe I should find out how I do that, and try to teach it somehow.
Now, I will turn on the TV and mush out.
I’m not really sure what to do now; every day has major highs and major lows. Today I woke up happy, because the sun was shining, the birds were chirping, Connor slept the whole night long and didn’t whine (much), and I’m just extremely glad that it’s Friday. So then I got ready, came to work, and before starting real “work”, I decided to check out car prices for a while. Just to see what we could get for our Rav4, and what we could do after selling it. As it turns out, we owe about $7,000 more than the trade in value, and about $4,000 more than the private-party value, and that means that if we do decide to go get a new car, we’ll be paying an extra $4,000 – $7,000 for the car, meaning we have to buy a scooter or something to make up the difference. WHY did we decide to buy that stupid Rav4 in the first place? Do you know why? To keep up with the Joneses. To look like we were doing well, and we were doing well, but now I think I want things to change a bit, and I don’t really care about keeping up with anything. I want a functional car, a safe car, and one that doesn’t cost $500 a month to pay for. And I want valid suggestions for how to do that. I know that if we asked Craig’s mom for advice (she works in a bank, after all), she’d suggest doing something stupid and retarded like she always does – just get a HUGE car, waste TONS of gas, and finance it forever! No thanks! I mean, I guess for now, a good option may be to lease a car, even a long lease (like 3 – 5 years), and pay a lot less per month to drive a car to where we need to go. That could be feasible, but there’s still the problem of getting rid of the Rav4, which is a really nice car by the way, but nobody wants an SUV anymore because gas costs $4.25 a gallon. I’m screwed, and really, I feel so alone in this battle against the world sometimes. Craig doesn’t look this stuff up, he doesn’t feel or notice the implications that simple things like “we can’t sell our car” mean for us. What it means is that I can’t go work part-time right now, or I can but something else, and something big needs to be cut out of our budget – but what? What do we get rid of? What do we stop doing? Do we cancel our satellite service? Do we sell the huge TV? Do I start offering to make people roman shades for their homes for pay? That’s not a bad idea, really. Anyway. I just feel like it’s all on me, there’s this huge weight on my shoulders all the time, and I don’t want this load anymore. I have a “load” that I’m carrying around in my belly, and God knows my head is full of shit, and I’m feeling so worn down and tired of it all that I can’t carry around all of this financial bullshit all the time too. Do you realize that I’ve worked full time since my son was only 6 weeks old? Never had more than a week off at a time, almost missed his first steps? I’m just losing it. Losing everything, and I’m so positive that the shit we have isn’t worth the shit I’ve missed. What’s infuriating is that I have to work on “convincing” Craig that he needs to be less materialistic and start conserving – he always wants to be frugal with things like groceries, but then he has to have the Wii and the best TV and the fancy car and nice furniture and a cool phone, and I like all of those things too – but I don’t think I’ve been the one to need them as much as he does. Anyway. I guess since I’m here, I might as well do a little work.
And don’t even suggest working some multi-level marketing plan thing, dad. I just don’t need that kind of frustration right now. I don’t need someone blowing steam up my butt, I need reality. But a better one.
Connor caught a fish today! TWO fish, actually! I wish they didn’t always go fishing when I was working, but I guess it’s a cool father/son thing to do, and I don’t need to be around for it all the time. Connor called me and was very concerned because one of the fish had the hook really stuck in his mouth, and he was worried that it was going to die. But then daddy fixed it, and it went back into the water, and swam away (which, in a three-year-old’s mind, means it was ok).
Random thought: why in the world do people use those ridiculous toilet seat covers when they go to the bathroom to pee? I never use them, they’re stupid. You’re sitting on the toilet for all of 30 seconds (usually), and that is just not enough time to have anything get on your butt. Plus, if there’s something ON the toilet (like a drop of pee or something), why would you just cover it up with flimsy tissue paper and then SIT ON IT anyway? Is paper impermeable to bacteria? No, it’s not. The bugs in the whatever it is that you’re covering can get through the paper. Why not just grab a small wad of toilet paper, wipe off the seat a bit, and THEN sit down? Women are so stupid. I was talking about this with Rachel the other day, and she said that it’s an overwhelming number of people actually using those things, and we’re actually the outcasts. I saw some stickers at school on one of those dispensers that said “THESE ARE MADE FROM TREES”, and apparently that’s supposed to detract people from using the things. I’m thinking of making some stickers of my own and secretly pasting them on the dispensers here. My stickers will say something like “Don’t be a dumb bimbo – skip the paper seat cover”. Or something like that, maybe a little more clever.
It’s silly to be irritated over something so irrelevant, but really – that has to be one of the worst inventions I can think of. And some paper company is making TONS of money off idiotic people that think a little piece of tissue paper is going to protect your butt from the evil bugs that lurk on the cold toilet seat (not much can actually live in a dry, cold environment, so there really aren’t a lot of bugs on the seat – I’ve checked). You know what we need? Squat toilets. Then you wouldn’t want to sit down on anything, and there’d be no need for some seat cover. Probably some evil old man would then invent “disposable floor covers” or something, and stupid careless office workers would get them to protect their shoes from evil nasty pee.
WOW!
I know it’s only a day after we found out, but I think it’s going to take a long long time to sink in. A GIRL. I’m a girl, so what’s the big deal? I just don’t know. I know how I feel about things, I know how my upbringing affected me, but I don’t know exactly how to allow or prevent things from happening to Elly that happened to me. I want to raise a strong, independent daughter, capable of anything and more than most boys could ever achieve. I think with Connor it’s easier because I know what a good man should be (or I think I do), and I think I know how to help him discover what he’s capable of. With a girl, I feel so conflicted – I’m not even sure what I’m capable of, I’m not even sure if I’m a good person, so I’m obviously not a very confident person (all the time, at least), and trying to instill confidence and strength into another woman is going to be so…
I’m rambling! But I’m scared, too. I know both of my sisters have daughters, and my mom managed to have four… but I don’t know if I’ll be good at it.
I had a long conversation with Craig last night about the way he acts toward Connor. Craig was talking to Elly (my belly), telling her all about her big brother. Almost every single thing he said was some negative comment about our son – he doesn’t eat enough, he’s a “punk”, he doesn’t listen well, he’s short… it’s as if there’s nothing good about Connor that Craig could come up with on the spot without slamming our 3 year old child at the same time. Being pregnant, and emotional, I just couldn’t stand it! I mean, it is HARD to deal with Connor sometimes. He’s incredibly stubborn, and from what I can gather from my mom and her sisters (Mari and Christine never warned me about this), it’s apparently a stage that kids go through – the “Horrible Threes” or something? I also admit that my methods aren’t the best; they’re probably close to the worst, and that me being forceful with Connor is definitely something I need to CHANGE (I don’t know how, so any suggestions are definitely welcome). But I’m MADLY in love with that kid! I think he’s absolutely perfect – besides his tendency to act like a three year old child. I want him to respect me, and even sometimes fear me (not that I’ll beat him or something, just that I really mean what I say and he isn’t the one in control), but I also want him to feel like nothing he can or cannot do will ever change the love his parents have for him. Y’know? That’s what all kids want, I think. To know that even in their failures, while often not wished for by the parents, the love between parent and child holds firm. No matter whether he’s good at soccer, excels at the piano, is a math genius, speaks clearly, makes a lot of friends… anything – nothing can change what I feel for that kid. But with Craig, it seems like he’s almost sure Connor’s a failure when he can’t or won’t do something that Craig thinks he should do. Connor doesn’t pay attention sometimes, especially when he’s busy playing with something or drawing or whatever. When that happens, Craig immediately turns to “well, maybe he has ADD”. What!?! Are you NUTS? He’s THREE! And he’s NOT short, he’s in the 75th percentile for his height, so the fact that he’s not as tall as us yet shouldn’t mean you classify him as being a short guy! And he doesn’t need to eat more, he needs to eat whatever he does eat, because if he wasn’t eating enough, he’d be telling us he’s hungry! He’s a pretty great person! He has a funny little sense of humor! He’s sweet, he calls me pretty all the time, he’s nice to old ladies, he’s charming! So WHAT if he gives us a ton of trouble when he’s going to bed? So WHAT if sometimes he says “I’m going to do whatever I want to do” as if he’s a 15 year old boy? He’s a kid. I’ll forgive him for that.
Oh well. It just hurts a little, I feel like I’m betraying him anyway by having another (even though I really really WANT another!), and it’s even harder when I see Craig look at him with disdain all the time; he’s just so friggin perfect that it’s difficult to allow anyone to treat him otherwise. Discipline is one thing, disgust is another. Maybe I’m exaggerating.
Shouldn’t I be working?
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GIRL!!!
WOWZA! I mean, we LOVE our boy – nothing’s better than Connor. But WOW what a different feeling it is to know there’s a girl in there! FREAKY! Connor’s excited, he gets along with girls pretty well!
And her name is going to be…
ELLY MACRAE BECKMAN
Pretty, eh? We love it. Or, at least, I love it – and Craig’s pretty fond of it, but whenever I say the middle name, Connor corrects me and reminds me that her name is JUST ELLY. But I think Macrae goes along with the name Elly perfectly.
The doctor says she’s approximately 12 ounces, which I’m not so sure if that measurement is accurate, but apparently at 20 weeks they’re supposed to be around 9-11 ounces, so we’re right on target. Maybe she’ll be born a few weeks before Thanksgiving, so I can be a little rejuvenated enough to EAT LIKE A PIG!
Oh, here’s a picture of me today in my cute little “going to the ultrasound” outfit. It was fun, a little hectic with Connor there because he was pretty bored! He thought it was pretty neat that they squirted goo all over my belly, especially when it made a fart noise. Are girls that cool? I hope so.
Love you guys!
