sight isn’t always necessary

UGH.  It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, isn’t it always SOOOO annoying?  Unsolicited help from strangers when you’re in need – that’s a different thing.  But today when I was out in Ann Arbor with Connor and Elly, we were confronted by a crazy woman in the street.  And she had some very important information to give us… whether we wanted it or not.

We went to the Ann Arbor Hands On Museum today.  It was fun, Connor had a blast, Elly slept a lot, and when we finished, we were hungry.  We parked in the Ann Street parking structure, which is about two blocks away from the museum.  About two blocks down from the parking structure is a Quizno’s, and Connor said he wanted a sandwich.  Elly was all wrapped up in the Mei Tai sling, so rather than taking her out of it to get her all snuggly in the car seat, we just headed out the door of the museum as is, ready to take on the brisk four block walk.  Connor wasn’t cold when we walked out; I asked him to zip up and he refused because he was too hot.  It wasn’t warm today, just 42 degrees, but it smelled fresh and springy and we were happy.

After block two, I was beginning to feel a little guilty about not wrapping Elly up.  Her face was exposed to the air, and when the wind blew, she was wiggling uncomfortably.  I still didn’t think she was cold all over, because my body heat was warming her up, but the cold air on her face was obviously bugging her.  I buttoned my sweater over her (I wasn’t even wearing a coat, because I thought it was nice outside), and I covered her face with my hood.  We kept moving on, Connor bouncing at my side, obviously not in the least affected by the weather.  When we got to the corner of Main and Huron (a block away from our destination), a crazy woman basically ran up to me on the sidewalk.

“I can’t believe you don’t have your baby covered!  I need to tell you something, this is just not the right kind of weather to have your baby exposed like that, and you really need to have a hood on her when you’re outside.  It’s just so dangerous and awful, where is her hat!  What are you doing!?  Blah blah blah…”

This is where I cut her off.

“Um, I know you think you have something you need to tell me, but I don’t need to hear it.  I can raise my children just fine, thank you, and she’s plenty warm being right up next to me, and I’m a nurse so I know exactly how warm she needs to be.  Thanks.”

It took a lot to not let a barrage of profanity flow from my mouth, but I had Connor with me and I didn’t want to scare him.  As we were walking away, she yelled out something like, “If you’re a nurse, you should know of all the research that says…” and then she trailed off.  I wasn’t letting her waste any more of my time.  PLUS, if she actually was right and I needed to get my child to a warmer place (or put a hat on her or something), why on Earth was she making me stand still in the middle of the sidewalk so that she could lecture me?

And who the fuck was she to tell me what to do or not to do with my children?  Oh I was so irritated.  SO fucking irritated.

So, I’ve developed a tiny obsession with slings and carriers and wraps… basically anything I can tie Elly in and hook her up to my body to walk around in.  I’ve seen a lot of cool ones at stores; they’re generally expensive and have nice fabric but have such basic patterns.  I usually end up doing crazy research after I see them just to find out if I can make one myself.  So far so good!  I made two pouch slings, and though those are easy to use, Elly just doesn’t look very comfortable in them.  They were very simple – basically just sewing a seam, and then sewing the sides to create finished edges.  Then I decided I wanted something that would use both shoulders because the one shoulder thing was causing some pain.  I found out that a very simple 5 yard section of jersey knit cloth tied in a fancy way could hold Elly up comfortably, and sure enough, it does!  I ironed on a pretty pink embroidery thing on it, and when I wore it at the auto show, you wouldn’t believe how many people asked me about it.  I love this wrap.

Yesterday, Elly had a holy fit when I was reading stories to Connor, and Craig was desperately trying  to get her to relax.  If I were alone, I would have tied her into my wrap to calm her, but Craig wasn’t able to figure it out.  When I came downstairs, I embarked upon another search, this time for a solution easy enough for Craig to use, cool enough for him to wear, and comfortable for Elly at the same time.  Found one!  I just happened to have leftover fabric from making one of my pouch slings, so I went down to the basement this morning to sew this overall mei tai.  Fun!

And, the best part about it… Craig can use it!  And he DID use it today, he felt manly enough to answer the door while wearing it!  We took it to the bowling alley with us and I even bowled while wearing it.  And I got a few strikes!

Connor is a funny bowler.  That’ll be another blog entry.

I’m not “PMSing”, so please don’t dismiss this post as just being hormonal.  I’ve just been very frustrated today.  And it’s not just today, it’s been for like… weeks.  I think I’m justified in my frustration, most of the time.  Sometimes, when my frustration is aimed at Connor, I take it too far.  Those days, like today, I feel frustrated and guilty of being the worst mother in the world.  When I yell at Connor, he says “Don’t get all mad at me!” or “Don’t smack me!” – it’s as if I do this ALL THE TIME.  I do not beat my kid – he’s getting really good at making me think that I must actually be beating him.

Example of my frustration – I just read to Connor for 30 minutes, all while holding Elly in one arm (with the help of a sling), carefully balancing the book on the bed so that I could read it, and gently “nice-ing” Connor’s arm for him… it was, to put it mildly, hard to do.  Elly was totally asleep for the entire thing, and Connor fell asleep after about 15 minutes.  So then I came downstairs, set Elly down next to me on the couch, opened up the computer to write this blog… and her eyes popped open.  She’s not hungry, she’s not wet, she’s not poopy – she just knows that I want 2 minutes to do something without her in my arms, and she doesn’t like it.  I feel like a crazy person, because I want to yell at her or just put her down in her bed away from me or something, but I can’t because it totally wouldn’t work.  It’s making me crazy.

Anyway.

I went on Facebook today, and honestly, I’m thinking of just quitting being on that thing.  Just getting rid of my user and everything.  Here’s the thing: a long time ago, I got on Facebook.  I found a couple of friends, liked a couple of the little programs they had, and I decided that I’d become a FB fan instead of MySpace.  Whatever, both sites are stupid, but… oh I have no good reason for being on either.  And it was just affirmation of the fact that I have no friends, because I didn’t have the thousands of friends that some people manage to accumulate, I only had a small few.  Many of the people that were (and are) my friends were people I hadn’t ever met, so it was really just this silly virtual world and I couldn’t get really caught up in it.

Then I set up an account for Craig,  I told him that it was cool, and he should get into the new and get on Facebook.  So he did, and at first he didn’t really embrace it at all.  Then his coworkers found him, and a bunch of people from his graduating class, and a few other people that he’s known over the years, and now he’s a fucking FACEBOOK GOD, and about a million people wished him a Happy Birthday the other day.  I can’t even keep up; he could have girlfriends and secret little things going on all over the place, and I’m just lost in how “cool” he is.  I may be taking this out of context, in fact I know I’m taking it down the wrong road, but I feel like our lives are just so different, and he enjoys his while I suffer in mine.  Wow, how that relates to Facebook I’ll never know, but that’s where I am now.

Ok, so here’s where this relates to Facebook – now I remembered, after a brief freakout session with Elly which ended with her lying on the couch near my and I’m not rocking her at all.  She seems to like it that way.  Imagine that.  So on Facebook, Craig has a ton of friends.  They all have little jokes with each other, and a bunch of these friends are his work buddies so they have even more “personal” interactions away from this house and the life we have together.  Somehow, those people see this vibrant and happy man, so outgoing and funny and witty and clever, and they all love him like crazy.  They just think he’s the best thing since sliced bread, they compare him to Dr. McDreamy on that stupid Gray’s Anatomy show.  And then he comes home to us, and he’s this skittish, indecisive, negative lump, constantly yelling at Connor (it’s pretty common around here lately), always jumping out of my way instead of acting like he has a place here, and seriously – if I didn’t freak out daily at the fact that nobody does anything without my direction, NOTHING WOULD EVER FUCKING HAPPEN AROUND HERE.  I have to tell people to go to the bathroom, to shower, to play one thing or another – I mean, I guess I could let everything go and just not tell anyone anything, but I think I would lose my mind.

I can’t wait for spring.  I really really REALLY want to start running again, with Elly possibly, and the gray shittiness outside is making me nuts.

So that’s my problem with Facebook.  The fact that I feel even more like my husband is leading a double life – in one life he’s happy (at work), and in the other life he’s miserable (at home), and I don’t want to be with someone that’s miserable.  I feel miserable thinking about it.  Sometimes I feel like I do so much controlling around here, what the fuck to I need a husband around for to just add to the shit to control?  And if he’s so happy and cool at work, maybe he should just stay there.  Like, permanently.  Just move in with one of his cool nurse buddies and do fucking nurse shit all the time.  Seems like they’re always partying, and their families are perfect and amazing, and they all look good and whatever.  His stories about his coworkers are all shiny and pretty.  From what I’ve seen of them, they’re generally fairly fake.  I feel uncomfortable and icky around them.  Craig feels good around them.  We’ve been married 8 years, and sometimes I wonder how it happened.

I’m angry today.  This was a long long long post and I’m really angry and unhappy and tired.  And I feel huge and fat and ugly and misshapen and my head hurts.  And now I’m crying.

The other day, Connor’s friend Natalie came over and played for a few hours during the afternoon.  She brought over her Build-A-Bear that looked just like Connor’s, and they did all kinds of silly pretend play things with them.  When we finally kicked Natalie out of the house, Connor came down to hang out, still dragging around his stuffed penguin (who we lovingly named “Nerd” when we created him).  Connor yelled for me to give him my Boppy, and I was a little distracted so I just handed it over to him without really wondering what he needed it for.  A few minutes later, as I was walking to the door to the garage to leave, I noticed that Connor was carefully arranging the Boppy around him, sitting cross-legged on the couch, with his stuffed animal at his side.  I asked what he was up to, and he said he needed to feed his baby.  The next thing I know, he’s lifting up his shirt and laying Nerd across the Boppy, apparently to feed him!  A very brief moment later he picked up Nerd, patted him on the back for a few seconds, and switched the way he was laying – Connor explained to me that it was because he needed to feed him on the other side now.

Too friggin cute!  I mean, Connor doesn’t see babies eating out of bottles much, and I actually am just really glad that he things breastfeeding is as natural and normal as anything else that goes on in our house.  He’s even comfortable enough with it to pretend he’s doing it himself, and that’s just one of the most innocent and refreshing things I’ve seen in a while.  I love my kids!

We got a new computer; I know that’s not really a common purchase to be making during tough times, but the fact of the matter is that our laptop is over 4 years old, runs very slowly, and it’ll make my classes easier if I have a reliable computer to use.  We bought it and then paid off our credit card.  Anyway, I’m trying to rationalize to you, the reader, why I bought our family a new computer, when really it doesn’t need to be rationalized.  I can buy stuff for my family if I want to.  I’ve worked hard for it, that’s the end of that story.

Anyway, my point is… there’s this blog publishing software on this computer that I haven’t used before, so this is a test post.  WOW that was a lot of buildup for a simple "Here’s a test post" message.

Oh, and here’s a picture of my burrito baby laying next to me, slowly waking up to say "Gimme a boob!", and taken with the webcam on this new computer.