sight isn’t always necessary

When I was pregnant with Elly, with every day that my belly grew bigger, so did my guilt for being a bad mommy to Connor.  I felt like I was screwing him over by taking some of my attention away from him.  I contantly reminded myself that him having a sister was going to be good for him, and she would be a best friend to him for life – which is definitely one of the advantages of having a sibling.  Since she’s been around, it’s been a blessing and a curse.  I love her more than anything, and she’s a beautiful addition to our family.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.  But I’ve seen some changes in my little boy, and though they’re a normal natural part of growing up, I’d have to say that his independence has blossomed much faster than I was prepared for since she arrived.  He had a slight hiccup in his sleeping habits right after we brought her home, and after we got around that it’s been like he’s a new boy.  He reads his own books at night and won’t let me read to him (I have to beg him to let me read a few lines).  He doesn’t cling to me when I go to school, and in fact it’s sometimes difficult to get him to give me a hug and kiss when I go out the door because he’s so busy doing other things.  He plays in his room for as long as I need him to (within reason) and is generally happy to do so.  He told me the other day that I could go for a jog whenever I want to because he doesn’t mind when I leave anymore, then  he declared, “I’m growned up, Mom.”  These aren’t bad things – they’re good.  But it feels like they happened too fast.  I’m grateful, though I fear that some shit is going to definitely hit the fan soon, but I’m grateful for having the summer with these two beautiful children of mine.  I’m glad I have a little more time to play with my “little boy” before he goes off and becomes a big boy in school.

I’d post more, but I should just get off this thing and save my brain space.  It’s been a difficult day.