sight isn’t always necessary

Fuck.

I use this word abundantly, and so for me, the brashness of the word is lost a little.  I try hard not to, but I use it around my kids all the time, too.  I’m a lot better about not doing it around other children.  I know I shouldn’t say it around Connor especially, because he’s like a little sponge and is likely to use it around his friends at school, but if it’s a little mistake I make in parenting than I’m willing to live with the consequences.  He knows I love him, he’s well fed and happy, and if his mommy has a dirty mouth it’s a pretty minor offense, in my opinion.

As far as it goes for this blog, I use the word constantly and without care.  I also use this blog constantly and without fearing the repercussions of what I write.  The reason?  It’s stream-of-consciousness writing that helps me to diffuse myself before I explode on someone I love.  If I explode on my keyboard, the only thing that could happen is I break it, and have to spring another $30 for a new one.  If I explode toward Craig for a simple thing like buying Lunchables, I’m risking creating a rift in my marriage that cannot be mended, and that’s a risk I’m not willing to take (usually).  So I explode here.

Emotions aren’t meant to be held in.  I let them out freely and honestly because I don’t want to become something I’m not; I don’t want to put on a happy face just to please the masses when it doesn’t please me.  I’m not an unhappy person, and this blog is what helps me to BE a happy person.  Really, if I can get rid of negativity by putting it in print, isn’t that a good thing?

I’ve been stressed lately.  Isn’t that probably always the case in life?  But very recently, my stress levels have been elevated, so my entries here have been exceptionally angry and frustrated.  I’ll get through it.  This too shall pass.

I was making cookies with Connor yesterday and he was making me crazy, so I was yelling at him and moving stuff around frustratedly, when he looked up at me with his big blue eyes and said, “Mommy, sometimes you just need to relax.”

Bam.

I did.

If I weren’t always so pissed off?

Today has been hard.  I don’t even know why – probably unseen stress in my life.  Maybe it’s the fact that I have two fucking days to take a final exam, which is comprehensive by the way, and absolutely no time to study for it?  Yeah, that could be it.  I was going crazy this morning with my kids, so I took them to the beach.  I figured the half hour drive there and back might give me a whole one hour of fucking rest all day, so I packed up a little lunch and hit the road.  I was irritated at the beach but at least there was sand and sun, so I managed.  The rest of the afternoon was uneventful.  I put both of the kids to bed, and Elly has been up a bunch of times at least screaming her head off since I put her down.  The first eight times she cried, I was the only one here to calm her down because Craig was out getting the groceries we needed so badly.  Now he’s home, and he’s been up there two or three times, one of which ended in him bringing her downstairs so that I could feed her.  After I fed her, I took her up to lay down again, and she was sleeping when I left the room until my foot hit the top stair, when she started screaming again.  I gave up and Craig went upstairs to console her, so I walked down to the groceries to help put them away and check out what he bought.  Right now I’m so mad right I could cry, or rip out my own hair, or at least kick a dog.  So instead, I’m sitting downstairs blogging.

Here’s why I am mad, and you may laugh, and maybe some day I will too, but for this exact moment, I’m steaming.  I don’t try to freak out too much about Connor’s food; I’ve really tried to be relaxed (ha!) about what we do, within reason.  I want him to have vegetables and fruit at least once a day.  I like him to have a “healthy” snack once in a while, rather than just cookies and shit all the time.  I’ll buy McDonald’s on occasion, because kids seem to like that crap.

I suggested to Craig the other day, and it must have been completely asinine conversation in his mind because he obviously ignored me, that I wanted to get a little plastic container with dividers in it, so I could cut up pieces of meat and cheese and make a “homemade Lunchables” for Connor’s lunches.  He’s going to camp this week, and I thought it would be cool for him, and it might actually get him to eat food without someone bugging him to take every bite.  And seriously, my suggestion was boring conversation really, but it wasn’t like I was suggesting something crazy like “I’d like to make homemade sushi for Connor to take to school” or anything – just a simple idea.  Boring.  Silly.

Craig went to the grocery store tonight and bought 5 little Lunchables kits for Connor’s lunches.  With pasteurized processed cheese food and everything.  Yay for Connor!  Here’s some garbage for you to eat.

Fucking fuck fuck.  That was just for good measure.