I love babies. I really do. Babies and kids and family and all of the fun wrapped up in it. What I do not like, however, is people that have never had children and still act like they’ve got all the experience that goes along with parenthood. Kris brought his son here today, and it’s fun to see that little kid… but then they walked over to where the clique of turds all hang out, and it turned REALLY annoying! They all come out of their cubes and offices and start schmoozing, trying to be the “cutest” to the baby placed in front of them. Sure, people all get a kick out of making a child smile, but some discretion in the office would be greatly appreciated, especially to those of us that are still working! Or pretending to work at least.
The worst of the offenders has to be Andrea. “Hiiiiiii!!!! Hooowwww aaarrrreeee yooooouuuuu? Cootchie cootchie coo! Zzzzzzhhhhhheeeeewp! Zzzzzzzzzzzzhhhhheeeeeewp!” I can only imagine that the last two strange sounds were accompanied with funny little motions to “get his nose” or something equally stupid. I remember that when I was pregnant, she’d talk to my stomach with that silly voice, as if the child inside were going to recognize and immediately enjoy the company of this weird looking Soul-Glo woman in front of him, flaunting her womanly features to everyone, even unborn children and pregnant women. I remember that when Connor was little like that, Craig would bring him into the office and she would act SO motherly, insisting that she’s a baby whisperer or something. I’d tell a story about my son, and she’d barely listen, following my story with a similar (though completely unrelated – figure that one out) story about a friend of a friend or something… with some child involved. I brought in pictures of my child… and she followed it up by bringing in a picture of her friend’s child… how silly! How pathetic!
What does she think, that by being motherly, her weird whiny boyfriend will find her more attractive or something? Women with DOGS attract men. Women on BIKES attract men. BELIEVE ME, women with children are rarely an attraction to men – men don’t want the extra baggage, they don’t want the extra responsibility. Not that I’m some kind of disgusting thing that all men will back away from, but that’s beside the point. My point is this: WHY IF SHE IS SO FREE AND YOUNG AND ATHLETIC does she also have to pretend to be a mother? I’M A MOTHER. I’m the same fucking age, and I’ve “been there, done that”, and I don’t have all of the other shit that she has, but I’m not trying to go get it. I don’t try to go out every weekend, I don’t work out at the butt-crack of dawn because I want to look hot (though if I had the fucking time, I would), I don’t date and act cute and have a silly voice that I use when I’m talking to men… I act my role! I play my part! Why can’t she play hers!?!
You know what else bugs the shit out of me? This is unrelated, kinda. Just a thought I had that I can’t hold in because it’s a good way of passing the time before I can leave this place. I can’t stand women that call their friends that happen to be women their “girlfriends”. Do they call their friends that happen to be men their “boyfriends”? No. It’s an endearing term that these women are using to show come camaraderie among their girly friends, and to exemplify that you are not among this select group. Please people, call your friends your friends. If you’re dating a person, you may call him or her by her appropriate term (girl- or boy- friend). It’s so petty, but usually what also goes along with women that have “girlfriends” is a bunch of snooty-gossipy discussion, spa days, and exclusivity.
So there. Another thing that continues to bother the shit out of me is Casey’s laugh. Her giggle scrapes at my bones.
Today, in a brief and painful moment where I didn’t have my headphones on, I heard Patrick talking to Andrea about something he’s working on. Pat thinks there’s something wrong, Andrea looked at it and thinks it’s fine… and then Andrea said (in her gratingly whiny voice), “Well, I guess I could take a gander at it…” At that moment, I literally did almost puke, and then I put my headphones back on. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a different world here, especially with those headphones on, and I guess if in my special alone world nobody ever says they’re going to gander at anything, it’s a good place to be.
I really can’t stand it when people say “So theoretically…” or “In theory…” when the thing they’re about to say is absolutely NOT a theory, or has anything to do with a theory, or is really worth saying at all. I hear this phrase nearly every day coming from the offices behind me, and it makes me want to get up and slap them all for acting so smart when in reality they’re a bunch of jackasses with no brains.
