Sorry
Last night I talked to mom for an hour or so, and it didn’t end pretty. So Craig called back, because he’s better at talking to mom, and she had gone to bed already, just 5 minutes after she hung up on me. Here’s the thing: I know in the end mom’s intention was just to make me feel better, or to help me feel better, and freak out less. Because my life really is pretty good, and the unhappiness I have while sitting at this desk is treatable with more than just leaving in a huff. She has such a strange way of saying that though, and it’s frustrating to me because a lot of the time, mom’s reasoning for why we should be happy is that “things could be worse”, which I just don’t accept as a good reason. That’s a reason to be grateful, and thankful, and to once in a while put your life in perspective just to gain some insight on how to approach your own problems. But I don’t think it’s a good reason to be happy – I want to be happy because I am happy, not because I have more than mom had when she was my age. Feeling guilty over being unhappy is just another bad feeling to throw in the mix, and I really don’t understand it coming from my mom, because everything I have, I have worked for. I know I need to be grateful for the opportunities I have been given, but each and every one was worked for. REALLY WORKED FOR. And after all of that work, which is by far not done, I feel like I deserve more. Though I can understand that it is difficult to watch a child struggle in their own skin, it’s just not fair to call me out, call me crazy, treat these feelings like they’re unwarranted, just because I have “enough” in her eyes.
And I don’t think that Ravneet is some kind of god in her advice to me – I just value a little positive thought once in a while (and a whole lot of her thoughts are negative, so she’s not even that good at being positive), but she rarely focuses on the money involved in this place (at least for me) and more on inner happiness. Mom, I know that you want that inner happiness for me, probably more than anyone I know. I was not trying to compare you, the most trusted and amazing source of love and advice to last my lifetime, to Ravneet, a 23 year old new friend of mine that “got into Harvard”. She’s just been here, in this office, which is why talking to her about how much I hate this place seems to work better for me. She can relate to my experiences, and I to hers, not in our whole lives but at the very least in this place. And she hated it, and she got out, and I’m jealous like crazy over her freedom to do that. Then I talk to my family, and they all tell me various versions of “stay the course”.
I think my family (including Craig) especially focuses on the money. What is really hard is feeling like money is something I could give up, but everyone around me is telling me it’s a value I should have higher on my list. I’m not trying to shrug off security, just the money. I don’t want to lose my house, but I don’t think I need the kind of money I make here to be able to pay the mortgage. I think Craig could put in an extra day at work (48 hours a week is not that much, especially since he’s not going to school or anything right now), and I could work less. And I should work less. Pretty soon, I’ll need to work less.
Anyway, I’ve blabbed enough. I don’t know how to apologize to mom, or if I need to, but I tried. It’s definitely not going to be easier to feel happy with the guilt of making mom feel bad, and the only thing I said was something she had said very similarly to me a few moments before. I said she’s wishy-washy. She said I’m crazy. What’s the difference?
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